


Spin Around and Say, 'It's an Urban Legend' Five Times Fast

by htbthomas



Category: What We Do in the Shadows (TV)
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Extra Gift, Gen, Set Before Season 2 Finale, Spiders, Trick or Treat: Treat, Trick or Treat: Trick, Urban Legends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-31
Updated: 2020-10-31
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:15:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,465
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27277846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/htbthomas/pseuds/htbthomas
Summary: The Staten Island vampires sometimes deal with urban legends well!And sometimes not.
Comments: 12
Kudos: 25
Collections: Trick or Treat Exchange 2020





	Spin Around and Say, 'It's an Urban Legend' Five Times Fast

**Author's Note:**

  * For [cookinguptales](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cookinguptales/gifts).



> Thanks to aurilly for the beta!
> 
> This can be read as both a trick and a treat, as the show often mixes both.

"C'mon, do it. Do it!" Nadja ordered.

"But I'm not a g—" Guillermo said, trailing off because there was no use complaining. He looked into the mirror and frowned at his own face, since Nadja's wasn't visible.

~~~

"When I was a young unmarried girl on the island, we didn't have this," Nadja said to the camera. "We would chant 'Hissing Viper, Hissing Viper into the swamp, and if it showed you a face, it was probably the severed head of the last guy convicted for horse buggering bubbling up from the depths. So, that was no use in predicting _your_ husband. Or your death." She used a long fingernail to tuck a strand of hair behind one ear. "Not sure why we did it, actually."

~~~

"You're the only one that can be seen in a mirror, Gizmo, so you have to do it," Laszlo said.

"And we're already dead," Nandor pointed out. "So..."

Guillermo sighed. "Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary," he told his reflection, tone flat.

"What do you see? What do you see?" Nadja asked, peering into the glass.

"Tell us!" demanded Nandor.

"There's..." Nothing. Of course there was nothing. It was just an urban legend. For a moment, Guillermo considered lying to them. But he was already holding onto a big secret, so it was easier to tell the truth about everything else. "I can't see anything."

"Wait!" Laszlo pointed at the mirror with a trembling finger. "I think I see something! A ghostly light! It flickers..."

The camera panned to catch Guillermo waving his fingers through the key light. "Like this?"

"The flicker is stronger now!"

Guillermo shook his head at the cameraman and left the room.

* * *

"Who is it, Guillermo?" Nandor called. "Tell them to go away."

"Unless it's a strapping young delivery boy," Nadja added. "You like when we share those, don't you, darling? They're so athletic."

"Quite right!" Laszlo said. "Double the fun."

But Guillermo wasn't able to answer them. His gaze was locked on the man who stood before him. Not a vampire—if it had been, he would know what to do. This was something... otherworldly.

"Will you come with me?" the man asked, his voice gravelly and low, but comforting at the same time.

"I—" Guillermo started. He felt a pull forward; he wanted to go with the man. Desperately.

The camera slowly moved toward the figure as well, though the picture was blurry and out-of-focus.

"What do we have here?" Colin Robinson was suddenly there beside him. "Are you selling Girl Scout cookies? No, I'm only kidding. You're not wearing a uniform." 

Colin's chuckle at his own joke helped the clouds clear from Guillermo's mind. "I'm— I'm gonna—" He took a step back, though he found he couldn't move more than that.

Colin gave the man a slow scan from top to bottom. "You're certainly a tall drink of water, aren't you? And so _slender_. Mm mm. But humans in general are getting taller, right? Not that that's really affected me, mind you. Interesting thing about human heights, is that though European and American men were similar in height in the eighteenth century—let's say about five foot five, or five foot six—a century later, American men on average were about one to three inches taller. Makes you wonder, doesn't it? With similar access to healthcare and expanding economic opportunity, what exactly do you suppose was the difference? Something in the water, as they say?"

The more that Colin talked, the easier Guillermo found it to think and move, his body responding again to his growing desire to get the hell out of there. With most of Colin's attention focused on the visitor, Guillermo didn't even feel the energy-sapping exhaustion he normally did. And he could hear Nandor calling out to him with some urgency.

"Better go check on that," Colin said. "Our visitor and I can continue our fascinating conversation."

Colin looked so well-fed when he finally came back that Guillermo didn't ever want to know what really happened.

* * *

The camera focused on Laszlo's forearm, swollen with a large boil. "Oh, this?" he said to the camera. "Not sure what it is. Used to get all sorts of skin conditions when I was a human. Contracting gout was a particular point of pride. Meant you were wealthy enough to afford the rich foods."

Nadja reached over to grasp his hand, conscientiously avoiding touching the boil. "I'm sure it's nothing to worry about."

~~~

"Uh, Laszlo... I think your boil is..." Nandor pointed toward him. 

The camera panned quickly to capture Nadja covering her mouth in shock. "It's exploding! Oh my god, what is that?"

Laszlo put down his newspaper, unconcerned. "Probably pustules of—holy FUCK, are those spiders?!"

The cameraman took several hurried steps back, breathing heavily.

"They are!" Nadja's voice contained no trace of fear. On the contrary, it turned simpering and delighted. "Are they widdle Black Widow spider babies?"

The camera focused, rather unsteadily and from a distance, on hundreds of tiny spider-babies erupting from an egg sac that had clearly been growing under Laszlo's skin. Guillermo leapt onto a chair, his hands flailing. He could deal with rogue vampires, but not this!

"Aw, look at all the teeny, tiny bloodsuckers!" Nadja said. "You're a father, darling!"

"More like a mother," Nandor said, his mouth curling up in amusement. "He did carry them to term."

"I..." Laszlo face went wondering with awe. "I suppose I am."

* * *

The phone in the hallway rang for the third time. "Guillermo? Guillermo! Are you going to get that?"

Guillermo, in his room, shook his head at the camera, and flipped a page in his novel.

Nandor let out a longsuffering sigh. "Stupid break times, interfering with my knitting..." He pushed himself up from his chair and stalked to the hallway. Flipping his long hair over one shoulder and bringing the receiver to his ear, he asked, "Hello? Yes, what is it?" 

A whispering voice asked, "Have you checked on the children?"

Nandor frowned. "Children? What children? Stop calling!" Then he pulled the receiver away from his ear as the line went dead. "What a weirdo."

~~~

Doll Nadja looked up from the phone in her lap. "I've been doing this for the last week. What else do I have to do?" The camera focused in on the phone's screen. "Hey, Siri—"

* * *

While Guillermo was walking back from Perth Amboy on one of Nandor's errands, a Ford Fairmont sedan pulled over beside him, looking like it hadn't been washed since the 1970s, rusting and crusted with mud. The guy who hung his head out the passenger-side window looked the same way, wearing polyester and three-day old Brylcreem in his hair. 

"You need a ride?" he asked. His friend the driver bopped his head along with KISS singing about rocking and rolling all night.

Guillermo considered. He'd been walking for blocks. Buses had stopped running for the night, he didn't have enough cash to get a cab, and his phone was dead, so he couldn't even call an Uber. But the guy inside the car, along with his friend, both had over-bright eyes, rimmed with red—totally vampires. Why was he always randomly running into vampires? 

He shrugged. This might as well happen.

There was just enough room in the back for him and the cameraman, so they both slid across the vinyl seat. 

"Where you headed?" Brylcreem vampire asked as Metalhead started the car off again down the road.

"Staten Island." Guillermo was too tired to threaten them or even playact ignorance. "You can drop me at the Bricktown Mall, that'll be fine."

"Sure." Brylcreem shared a look with Metalhead. "Or we could drop you right here."

Already? They hadn't even driven to a secluded area. These guys must be desperate. He hoped this particular cameraman had a strong stomach.

Guillermo flipped a stake into his hand, one of the ones he kept stashed on him at all times now. "Or we could go all the way to Staten Island."

Brylcreem took one glance at the stake and laughed, lengthened incisors flashing. "Who do you think you are, The Staten Island Vampire Killer?"

Metalhead laughed as well. "I heard that dude is like, seven feet tall."

Staten Island Vampire Killer? Didn't have much of a ring to it. "My name..." Guillermo staked Brylcreem before he could even scream. Metalhead's eyes went wide with fear. "...is Guillermo de la Cruz." That sounded much better.

When Guillermo finally walked in the front door, Nandor was standing there, arms crossed, foot tapping. He held out his hand for the 7-Eleven bag and looked Guillermo up and down with distaste. "How come every time you come home, you're covered in blood?"

 _Home sweet home,_ Guillermo thought, and handed him the bag.

**Author's Note:**

> The urban legends referenced, if they weren't clear: Bloody Mary, The Slender Man, The Spider Bite, The Call is Coming from Inside the House, Vanishing Hitchhiker.


End file.
